Long-distance fighting

We are having lots of trouble.

It is my fault. I cannot manage money like any normal, capable adult. I feel like an absolute idiot. He is so so so so angry. And it isn't that I am shopping and spending... I just can't balance the accounts. I misjudge what I have, and overspend on bills or other things, like back to school expenses this time. Then checks bounce and bounce and I am in a huge hole again.

He said he would rather be there were people are trying to kill him than at home with me. He said I was a bad wife. I just want to lay down and die. (No - not literally. I'm not that stupid.) He said the boys don't miss him, don't care that he is gone... probably don't even remember what he looks like. They ask about him all the time, ask when he is going to call. The baby cries and cries for his Daddy whenever he is hurt or sick or just sad.

I don't know that I have ever been so completely and totally miserable in my whole life. I just want to cry all the time. I love him so much, and I just continue to screw up and screw up over and over and over. I feel so totally hopeless. :(

He hates me.