Too paranoid to be excited

I don't know what "normal" or "well-adjusted" military wives busy their minds with while they are waiting for their husbands to finally get home... but I'm going to crazy town over here. All I can think about is whether or not he will still find me attractive when he gets here. Isn't that the most shallow, vapid, and ridiculous thing imaginable?!?! I'm supposed to be pondering our deep love and how the separation has matured our relationship... not staring at my butt in the mirror, steeping myself in tanning lotion, and contemplating whether or not I have more/less crows feet around my eyes!!!

I am so terrified that he'll come home and take a good hard look at me and ask himself: "Is THIS what I really want to come home to?" And I really, really, really want him to say YES IT IS. I have missed him like crazy, and I have been so completely, thoroughly, and totally faithful and chaste... I feel like if he isn't as ecstatic about getting his hands on me as I am about getting my hands on him, that somehow I will be let down.

How in the world did women get through this without regular communication with their husbands? Even worse, way back when there was NO communication - when they didn't even know when/if the man would EVER come back?! It boggles my mind.

I want to be excited. I know I am supposed to be excited. But I am just afraid! I want things to be so nice - the house to be clean and cozy, the boys to be well behaved and receptive to him. I want it to peaceful and comfortable and welcoming. He has been through such an overwhelming amount of shit, such an uncomfortable, inconvenient, and annoying experience... and that is not even considering the IEDs, firefights, and snipers. What if he comes home to this rowdy house, this 30-something mother-woman, and says.... "Hmmm... I want something better."