WaitingForAutie

Too paranoid to be excited

2006-01-09T12:15:00.000-06:00

I don't know what "normal" or "well-adjusted" military wives busy their minds with while they are waiting for their husbands to finally get home... but I'm going to crazy town over here. All I can think about is whether or not he will still find me attractive when he gets here. Isn't that the most shallow, vapid, and ridiculous thing imaginable?!?! I'm supposed to be pondering our deep love and how the separation has matured our relationship... not staring at my butt in the mirror, steeping myself in tanning lotion, and contemplating whether or not I have more/less crows feet around my eyes!!!

I am so terrified that he'll come home and take a good hard look at me and ask himself: "Is THIS what I really want to come home to?" And I really, really, really want him to say YES IT IS. I have missed him like crazy, and I have been so completely, thoroughly, and totally faithful and chaste... I feel like if he isn't as ecstatic about getting his hands on me as I am about getting my hands on him, that somehow I will be let down.

How in the world did women get through this without regular communication with their husbands? Even worse, way back when there was NO communication - when they didn't even know when/if the man would EVER come back?! It boggles my mind.

I want to be excited. I know I am supposed to be excited. But I am just afraid! I want things to be so nice - the house to be clean and cozy, the boys to be well behaved and receptive to him. I want it to peaceful and comfortable and welcoming. He has been through such an overwhelming amount of shit, such an uncomfortable, inconvenient, and annoying experience... and that is not even considering the IEDs, firefights, and snipers. What if he comes home to this rowdy house, this 30-something mother-woman, and says.... "Hmmm... I want something better."

Short-timer!

2005-11-30T13:16:00.000-06:00

Well... I am a sucky blogger. LOL Either my life is too boring for this, or I just don't have time, or both.

We've made our way through football season, which saw innumerable fantastic plays by #1 and an enjoyable return to the sport by #2. Now we are into the beginning of wrestling season. #1 took a first place in a recent tournament. #2 is preparing for a Tae Kwon Do belt test, which I am sure he will ace.

#3 thinks about not much more than Daddy coming home these days. I told him back in early October that we had: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, then Daddy would come home! He has patiently watched the passing of the holidays with so much excitement. I know preschoolers are normally thrilled at the approach of Christmas, but he is over the top with anticipation. He talks about it every. single. day.!

Autie is definitely a short-timer, down to a measured number of days until he is off duty and preparing to travel. That ticker on the top of my page looks soooo long, but when you consider he was only home for three months prior to this deployment - after a year's absence for a stateside deployment - you can imagine just how precious this homecoming is to us.

Happy Holidays to all!

......deep cleansing breath........

2005-09-20T17:11:00.000-05:00

OK. That's better!

The romance of a classical military marriage, MY ASS! This stuff is HARD.

We are OK. He is speaking to me, which is the equivalent of having oxygen to breathe again.... I am such a sap. We are inches from being debt free (except for mortgage and one auto) and baby steps away from being functional, budgeting, responsible adults. It feels great! But, ohhhhhh, the growing pains.

If I had known war would mature us/our relationship in this way, I'd have shipped him off years ago! (wink!)

Long-distance fighting

2005-09-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

We are having lots of trouble.

It is my fault. I cannot manage money like any normal, capable adult. I feel like an absolute idiot. He is so so so so angry. And it isn't that I am shopping and spending... I just can't balance the accounts. I misjudge what I have, and overspend on bills or other things, like back to school expenses this time. Then checks bounce and bounce and I am in a huge hole again.

He said he would rather be there were people are trying to kill him than at home with me. He said I was a bad wife. I just want to lay down and die. (No - not literally. I'm not that stupid.) He said the boys don't miss him, don't care that he is gone... probably don't even remember what he looks like. They ask about him all the time, ask when he is going to call. The baby cries and cries for his Daddy whenever he is hurt or sick or just sad.

I don't know that I have ever been so completely and totally miserable in my whole life. I just want to cry all the time. I love him so much, and I just continue to screw up and screw up over and over and over. I feel so totally hopeless. :(

He hates me.

One Random Bullet

2005-09-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

A sniper took a pot-shot at Autie while he was out and about this week again. I don't think I will even call him a "sniper"... he doesn't deserve that. Snipers wait out their targets, make the decision, and get the job done. They don't take a cheap shot, turn tail and run like this sorry-ass did.

I understand that Autie is in danger, that he could be injured or worse. But it drives me crazy thinking that it could be something like this. Some guy hiding beside the road, videotaping while he detonates the IED. Some bitter coward firing a random shot at troops on the street, then running. I hate it. There is no honor in the way they fight. Killing dozens of civilians and little children playing on the street to bomb a single humvee. No honor, whatsoever.

If something happened to Autie, I would want to know that he fought. That he was able to face his enemy and give them their due - he would want it to be that way. The random chance of it all is maddening...

Larium, Agent Orange, Gulf War Syndrome, and the Big Bad DoD

2005-09-13T21:52:00.000-05:00

So did you watch Law & Order tonight? It was a fictionalized version of the Larium issue. Interesting episode.

We are a military family, and although I bitch and grouse about a lot of the struggles we have with the military, I love the way of life, the tradition. We don't fly a flag in front of the house, but we are true patriots who serve our country in the military. Every war since the Revolution. I will be truly proud when one or all of our sons serves.

I don't agree with the "big bad DoD" theory. But the idea of the cost of medication side effects vs. the threat of a fatal disease - yes, I can believe that might be true. And am I outraged??? No. It is cold, hard, brutal - and practical. And I can respect that. Do I think in this fictional example it was the 'right' decision... no, I really don't.

And this matters to us, more than you can imagine.

Daddy went to Vietnam three times - the old man Infantry platoon sergeant humping through the jungle in his 30's. He was exposed to agent orange for months. Is that why he has skin cancer? Yeah, probably. It is what it is...
But he's a lot more angry about the cost of gas than agent orange.

But it really hits home with #3. My precious baby - he is so very, very smart and such a happy loving little man. We hadn't planned on having a baby together, Autie and I. After Desert Storm, he saw all of the sensationalized news stories about children with devastating birth defects. And we both knew about Autie's sorry luck, LOL! So when we found out that I was pregnant with #3, we were surprised and worried.

And it happened. #3 has a syndrome that has been connected to Gulf War veterans. He has some health problems that are scary, but not too severe. And birth defects. He is so smart and so wonderful... Sometimes I cry at night, praying to Jesus that a beautiful girl will look past his appearance and love him like I love him. I see that he is beautiful... please Jesus, put a little girl out there that will see it, too.

Are #3's problems a result of Autie's Gulf War service? The shots? The depleted uranium he worked around? The chemical weapons they may/may not have been exposed to? We won't ever know. I do know that the VA did a medical study that found almost 4 times the number of occurances of this syndrome than would have normally been found... but since the condition was so rare, they said it was "statistically insignificant". And they only counted babies born in military hospitals, not anyone who delivered at a civilian hospital... or those born years after their daddies had left the military. We'll never know.

I would give anything for our baby to be healthy - to look like other babies. But do I blame the military? No... I can't. I honestly believe my government would never knowingly do anything that would hurt our children, but these things happen... little things add up and contribute to the end result, but I don't think there is any ill intent.

I'm just an Army wife. I just wait and pray and take it all as it comes. That is what military wives have been doing since the dawn of time. Blame and bitterness won't do any good. I am thankful for this life we have, thankful that Autie is able to do the job he was born to do. Good or bad, it is our destiny.

If you can't hear the fetus crying, do you think it isn't in pain?

2005-09-09T15:36:00.000-05:00

Babies show signs of crying in the womb.

Newsflash: Scientific research into fetal development progresses almost to equal common sense!

Of course they cry! A medical research project has determined that an unborn infant at 28 weeks gestation can become startled, afraid, and cry. Not surprising, since infants born prematurely at 23 weeks and less have the ability to cry.

Why is this noteworthy? Because another group of medical researchers (and complete idiots) recently released a study claiming that the sensation of pain is not present in an unborn infant until after 29 weeks. Which is absolutely ridiculous to anyone with any common sense.

JAMA Editor Defends Publishing Fetal Pain Review Despite Criticism for Not Disclosing Author's Abortion-Related Work

I think that JAMA editor should be fired. Totally, totally unethical!

Let's think about some of the senses: eyesight, hearing, feeling. Which would one consider more or less evolved? Wouldn't eyesight and hearing be considered more evolved than the sensation of pain? And yet unborn infants react to bright light or sound within the womb. Common sense would dictate that the ability to sense pain would be present weeks before the ability to hear.

Why do medical researchers promote biased research in order to support the practice of killing unborn infants? How can a person who has taken an oath to protect the health of all persons endorse the mutilation and murder of a person who has not passed through the birth canal? Abortion is the vilest form of selfishness imaginable.

In all things, people should tell the TRUTH. Women seeking an abortion are ethically entitled to hear the whole truth. If they have been informed of the facts, and still choose abortion, then that is their moral burden to bear.

Dear Pregnant Woman:
You have asked for an abortion. A medical professional is prepared to remove the fetus from your body in the most hygenic and safe way possible. During this procedure, your unborn fetus will be dismembered, crushed, and finally dead. It will either be scraped and pulled or suction vacuumed from your womb. A fetus is a living thing that experiences fear and pain just like a living human. By the time you discovered you were pregnant and decided to have an abortion, your fetus already has all major organs, including a beating heart and a functioning brain.

Why do abortion rights advocates not want women to hear the truth?

Does not play well with others

2005-09-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Note to self: Autie is not a master of office politics.

He's a quick study, gets the job done, a master of schmooze with those old bad Haji's.... they love him! But he has zero tolerance for idiots, sloths, and general malingerers. This whole deployment has been one big lesson in how to deal with a-holes without beating their heads in. A lesson I know he needed, but jeez! It is tough on him.

Dear God,
Please walk with Autie and give him patience. And give the poor guy a break from that dumb Irish luck of his, will ya? And please send me a Roomba battery soon.
Thanks!

What office supply are you? LOL

2005-09-08T23:24:00.000-05:00

I am:

a bulldog clip

This powerful steel gripper won't let papers get away from each other!

Which office supply are you?

I'm in love...

2005-09-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

...with my ROOMBA! Robotic vacuum - praise Jesus! I'd like to give a big sloppy kiss to the engineer that pitched this idea. It makes me so happy to hear it working (especially when I am laying down watching crappy tv). After 18 months of bliss, the battery on my Roomba is caput. Just googled some replacements, and now I can't wait until payday! Woohoo! :D

See how easy I am to please??!?

Dear Santa:
All I want for Christmas is a Scooba... the automatic mopping robot to clean the tile floors. :)

Drama queen

2005-09-08T02:33:00.000-05:00

Feeling compelled to follow up...
I've been fiddle-farting around with the blog for an hour or so, after my recent boo-hooing. Looking over this, anyone who read it must think I am a horribly morose individual. LOL! It seems I only take the time to post when I'm feeling particularly bad - as a result, it appears that I am *always* feeling particularly bad. Which is not true.

I feel better already (sort of). Autie is so close to coming home. Just a few more months, and I can make it through that easily. With the holidays this will pass so quickly...

"After all ... tomorrow is another day." --Scarlett

Gag. LOLOL

It's been 7 hours and 364 days...

2005-09-08T01:11:00.000-05:00

~ ~ ~
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing...
I said nothing can take away these blues
Cause nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby... where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do
Well he's a fool
Cause nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~
All the flowers that you planted
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~

Thanks to http://ee.1asphost.com/PixelPassion/nothingcompares/
Just pulled up the site and let the song play over and over and over...
I couldn't sleep. Felt that black mood coming over me and couldn't understand why it was hitting me so very hard tonight. Got out of bed to check the email and such, and saw what day it was. I didn't realize...... one year today. One year. Autie has been gone 24 months so far, but it is one year since he walked out of this bedroom to leave for the long haul. We had some time before he had to report in, so we laid down together and he held the baby while he drifted off to sleep. Then we just laid together. I would give everything to have him laying here tonight. I miss you so much baby... it hurts. I am so lonely. Please come home to me...

Loving and Hating the military

2005-09-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

Let's see.... how to write this without it coming off as a whine.....

Autie has been promoted. Isn't that great? When he told me, I was elated and nauseated at the same time. And how did he feel about it? He sounded like he just wanted to spit.

In 1991, Autie left Iraq as a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps. Today, after 24 of the last 28 months on active duty, the National Guard has promoted him to...........
Corporal. It doesn't even include a pay raise. He has over 10 years on his LES and has never been reprimanded or in trouble for any reason.

There is a common joke in the Guard that in order to get promoted, someone has to die. I suppose that may be true among officers, but for the enlisted promotions are controlled by something called the MTOE. Department of the Army sends out the MTOE to all the National Guard units annually (I think... but it may be less frequent than that...). ***If there are errors in the MTOE, the state Guard can file an appeal and have them corrected!***

When Autie signed up with our state NG, St Louis was unable to locate his SRB (service records) from the Marine Corp. With the lost SRB they had no record of his promotion to E4, so he was brought into the NG as an E3.... with the assurance that he would be quickly promoted, of course. He is older than most of the guys in his unit, and most of his officers, and a lot more experienced. And he is the only combat vet in the bunch.

After a few months, he was promoted to E4 Specialist. The next month, of course, they found his SRB and verified his previous promotion to E4 with the Marine Corps . No big deal... right?

So then, the orders for Iraq. Autie had just finished a year-long stateside deployment and was not eligible to be deployed again, but they needed him. If he volunteered, they would of course promote him to SGT before they left. Did he feel honor-bound to volunteer for the war? Yes, he did. But faced with going over there as not even an NCO, he wouldn't have done it. So he volunteered.

And they did not promote him. It was discovered that the MTOE for our particular type of unit in our particular state held no slots for E5. E4 and below, there were a few slots. E6 and up, there were a few slots. But the unit and state were not allowed to have any E5's of that MOS in that unit. So basically, no one could ever be promoted up from E4 in the platoon. Did the unit command or NCO's review their MTOE when it was received, and appeal this mistake to the Dept of the Army? Nope. Did they file an appeal and request a change to it when they realized they couldn't promote Autie because of this error? Nope.

Why???? I don't know. The most obvious answer would be that the National Guard of our state is full of commanders and NCO's who don't give a rat's ass about their soldiers. Or maybe they are so sorry they don't do their job very well. I don't want to believe either of those things, but there you have it.

So for the last year, a certain company commander and first sergeant have asked and begged and pleaded over and over and over again, in order to get a promotion for the most capable, experienced, and skilled soldier in their unit (am I biased??? It is true, really...). And they have finally secured him a promotion: to Corporal. He is now an NCO. But no pay raise, of course.

And they wonder why good people refuse to re-enlist....

Who has time for this?

2005-08-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

Obviously, not me!

I thought it would be nice to have a blog - a place to write down all the things I obsess about... stuff I would normally tell Autie if I could have normal conversations with him. Maybe an archive of what we've gone through all these months....

But I don't have time. And to tell you the truth, I don't really have anything interesting to say. The news is full of war protests and political wrangling, and I really don't give a shit about any of it. Those people can jostle and scream all they want.... they don't exist in my reality.

Reality is: Autie is there, we are here. Every morning we wake up, get to school and work, then go back home and do it all over again. And through all our activities, I worry and worry and worry. Sometimes I hear from Autie, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I freak out and spend hours scanning the news and the internet looking for something to freak out about. But mostly I'm just tired.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being a happy, healthy, attractive 30-something year old woman who wants to sleep with her husband - but doesn't have sex for months and months and months on end (LOLOL!). I'm tired of raising three boys by myself. Good boys who are smart and happy, but who try my patience and run over me all the time.

I am tired of the news and the protestors and the Army and the war. I want Autie to come home... NOW. I want him to come home and wash the car. I want him to come home and spank these boys when they are out of line. I want him to come home so I can roll over and make love with him so I can get some sleep.

It is 8pm in Iraq.

2005-07-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Autie,

Why do your pauses in communication always come after a big OP? I should recognize the cycle by now, it has happened so many times:
1. You tell me you're getting ready for a big upcoming OP;
2. Being stressed about the OP, you start nit-picking on me;
3. We have the same old fight (or maybe I should just call it a stressful discussion) about finances;
4. You go out on the big OP;
5. I don't hear from you for days.

Does cruel fate conspire to bring down the FOB internet connection every time you go out, so I sit here worrying for days and watching the street for that long blue government car?!? If you had been reading your email, and not answering, I would just be angry and pout. But you haven't even read it! (I peeked.)

Did the OP go amazingly well, and you have a dozen bad guys to process? Are you deeply involved in the FOB rugby tournament and too busy for the computer? Are you having a torrid affair with that beautiful captain nurse from the hospital company?!?!

Answer my email!!!! Please. :(

Love,
Libbie

I'm fine... really!

2005-06-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

I am grade 'A' boring this week. It has been my turn to be on call with the pager for work, and I've been up for a couple of hours between 2 and 4am for the last few nights.... so I'm a bit of a zombie!

Autie is so very, very busy. His commander has tasked him with a big job and he's loving it, I'm sure. And it should keep him on the FOB most of the time, which is SAFE. I'm sure he'll get bored and start going on ops again as soon as he can work it out, but for the time being he is safe and sound.

The boys are excited to leave for the lake this 4th of July weekend, and I am just excited to not be carrying the freaking pager. Next week the big boys are off to summer camp, so Number 3 and I will have some quality time together.

Number 1 has been talking more and more about his future military career. He wants to go to West Point, but he also wants to be a pilot. Do they have pilots at West Point??? I have no idea! LOL! He's been researching online and I expect his plans to evolve with time. I've always known Number 2 would be in the service, but to have two of them in would be wonderful. Pop will be so proud! Many many years until those decisions are made... so we'll see.

Back in the gym full time this week, which is excellent. I feel great, but tired. (YAWN!)

Hitting the wall.

2005-06-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

My research has shown that the "mean time to failure" for this Army wife is: 6 days, 2 hours, and ~25 minutes. That is how long it took for my R&R-high to wear off. Took the boys to church this morning, then spent most of the day hiding under the covers and watching Operation Homecoming on TLC, followed by Black Hawk Down. Got all my good crying out, so I was able to get off my arse and get the little ones some dinner and do a little housework. Back to work in the morning and I am *not* looking forward to it!

Heard from Autie this morning. He was able to get a couple of grouchy words out on the instant message before I lost him. He was interrupted for questions by the guys a couple of times, then I think he lost his connection. Didn't get a chance to try out the webcam, which is good because I look like shite today!

Went to the FRG meeting this weekend and Major Lip-Service was there. He is a nice guy, but why does he bother?! He seems to be conscientiously trying to help me with any issue I bring him, but he never gets any results. Frustrating. The unit has come up with yet another reason why they can't promote Autie, who happens to be the oldest (insert rank here) in the Army. All of it is bullshit.

Damn! Cheerful post, huh? ;)

R&R with Autie

2005-06-24T23:22:00.000-05:00

It has been days and days since Autie left to go back to Iraq, but I still haven't cried. I can't!!! The perma-grin hasn't gone away yet!!

The visit started as most of his visits do: he surprised me. He arrived much earlier than he had said he would. By now, I should expect that! But he always catches me off guard. He's sneaky like that.

After hearing from a few of my Army-wife friends, I had some real concerns about his visit. Autie was a combat vet before this trip to Iraq, but he does have an exciteable temperment and a short fuse, and he is a naturally jumpy light sleeper. I should have known better. He was absolutely fine... in fact, more relaxed than normal. He slept like a LOG and only had insomnia one night (if you can call staying up all night to beat Half Life 'insomnia'!). We were in crowded restaurants, malls, and even an amusement park and he was perfectly at ease.

Hearing about all of the things he has been doing and the bad guys he and his partner have captured was exciting, but he had done his job so well that the thugs in his area put a bounty out for him. He's returning to a different location - a *safer* location - which is a big relief to me. He might have more autonomy at the new place, which means he'll be doing a lot more missions... but knowing that he is in charge of his activities instead of being dependent on another group makes me feel better about it.

The True Meaning of "Equal Rights"

2005-06-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

Female US Marines Ambushed in Iraq

Women will not have full equal rights as American citizens if our government won't allow us to die for our country! THIS is the true meaning of equal rights. Why is a woman's life worth more than a man's? Why is a woman's sacrifice not honorable and proud, but outrageous and wrong?

When Lori Piestewa was killed in a convoy ambush, it was terribly sad - but I felt so incredibly PROUD that women were out there serving and dying for my country, just like the men. Most would not label me a liberal feminist: my marriage relationship is very traditional and I am perfectly comfortable as a submissive wife (it almost sounds like a dirty word, doesn't it?!) and I am strongly pro-life. If a woman can carry the same load, pass the same physical tests, and meet the same performance standard - she deserves the SAME job as the man. I loved serving in the military and if I had a daughter, I would encourage her to serve just as I encourage the boys.

For a thorough and exhaustive review of women in the military, visit the wonderful Captain Barb!

MIA... for R&R! :)

2005-06-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

Recent lack of posts due to Autie being home on R&R! We've had a great visit: took the boys to an amusement park and the movies, spent lots of time with extended family. We had our big date night last night and saw several old friends. Autie has been able to share several stories that he couldn't talk about over the phone/email - and I am so extremely proud of what he has accomplished over there. He'll be returning to a different FOB when he goes back, and it is a bit safer thank goodness. And he'll be able to shower every day for a change, which I know he is glad about.

Back to regular life after he leaves next week, and back to blogging - since I won't have him to yammer to all the time.

Handbook for the Uber-Paranoid Combat Wife

2005-05-27T16:39:00.000-05:00

Step 1: OPSEC
Remember: You don't know anything. And be sure not to tell anyone anything you *do* know!

Step 2: Location
Identify his location. Is he on a large FOB (forward operating base)? Is he in a certain town or village? Go to Global Security - Iraq: Land Component Locations page and find the FOB or town. Also, Global Security - Iraq: US Forces Order of Battle gives locations of major units, but I've found it to be sometimes innacurate or not as fully detailed as I need.

Step 3: Maps
Get some good maps of Iraq, or of his specific location and surrounding towns if you can. Here are some good ones from:
University of Texas
Global Security
National Geographic
Arab Gateway

Step 4: Internet Research
Using Google and Yahoo, do some thorough research on the FOB, town, and unit. Bookmark any milblogs from soldiers in the area. Look for common alternate spellings of town names. Learn what province the town is in (Diyala, Salah ad Din, Babil, Al Anbar, etc). Certain areas have nicknames, such as the "Sunni Triangle" north of Baghdad, the "Triangle of Death" south of Baghdad - which you should note also.

Step 5: Trolling the News
Set up "news alerts" through your favorite search engine or news site (I like Yahoo! News Alerts). By creating news alerts for the town name, unit name, and FOB name - you will receive any published reports including these search terms. They usually come a couple of times daily, with links and brief descriptions of each article.

Step 6: Panic Time
When you hear something on the TV/radio that makes your hair stand on end, or you get that "for no good reason" hair standing on end, do this:

1. Check Iraq Coalition Casualty Count website: This site keeps a synopsis of all published articles of Iraq casualties and is updated constantly. As soon as a casualty has been announced, you can usually identify province or general location, and sometimes even the major unit involved. If it isn't your area or unit - stop worrying.

2. Check US Department of Defense News Releases website: They announce casualties promptly, usually with unit and location information even before they can release the name - is it before the family is notified? Maybe...

3. Remember the combat wife's #1 common sense rule: No news is good news! If you haven't heard from him, and it has been long enough for you to begin to worry, AND nobody is knocking on your door.... RELAX. You would have been notified by now, and he may only be on comm blackout because of something that happened in his AO (area of operations).

Following the Handbook for the Uber-Paranoid Combat Wife will result in EITHER:
- less stress for you, because you'll know when *NOT* to freak out;
OR
- a total and complete nervous breakdown.

Dear Principal,

2005-05-27T16:07:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for the call this afternoon! Although you seemed certain that I would be equally disturbed by Number Two's actions, I wholeheartedly disagree with you. The yearbook belongs to Number Two - it is his property. Therefore, if he wants to draw horns or write insults on anyone's photo, that is his business. As long as he does not make threats or use any type of disparaging hate speech, I have no problem with it - and neither should you. Any sensible person would agree that making a speech bubble next to the class bully's name with the words "I am stupid" is well within a person's right to free speech.

Thank you for violating Number Two's civil rights and ruining his day, and please send similar regards to the teacher who found his private musings while thumbing through his book when he asked her to sign it. As soon as I pick him up this afternoon, I will be drawing horns and mustaches on both of your photos to commemorate this event.

Regards,
Number Two's mother

Memorial Day

2005-05-27T14:21:00.000-05:00

Grab your kleenex if you're heading over to read Blackfive's piece about Taps and Memorial Day.

Some days when I haven't heard from Autie in a while, I start to get worried. Then I'll search all of the news sites - looking for the name of his town or FOB or unit. And when I find it reported that something bad has happened there, I am afraid to go home. I'm afraid to pull in to the driveway and see that government car waiting for me. Sometimes I'll drive by the neighborhood, trying to look down the street to see if anyone is parked there before I go back and turn in. Sometimes I run as many errands as I can think of to delay going home and rounding that curve. I have never told him this - he would probably laugh.

I know the statistical safety of this war, and that does reassure me. But I still worry.

"It is infinitely worse to be left behind, a prey to all the horrors of imagining what may be happening to one we love."
-Elizabeth Bacon Custer, wife of Gen. George Armstrong Custer

9... 8... 7...countdown to R&R

2005-05-27T14:08:00.000-05:00

I am feverishly counting down the days to Autie's R&R leave arrival! Where is my fairy godmother? And why has she not cleaned my house yet???

Besides decluttering the house, I'm trying to do a little last minute body-decluttering as well. Giving that South Beach Diet a try, at least the first two weeks of Step 1 torture. No bread, pasta, potatoes, etc. But also no fruit or milk!!!! Apparently, I eat a lot of fruit and milk and the absence of these two sustenances have been quite painful for me!!! Not trying to lose weight, just trying to boost the metabolism and lose a little love handle.

Heading down to the lake with the boys after work today, and looking forward to some mental rest! Although, I was disappointed to realize the SBD also does not allow BEER!

Making a difference

2005-05-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

My women's club had our last meeting of the season last night. We granted the proceeds of all of our work this year to several local charities: hearing aids for 90+ newborns, 800 pairs of pajamas for foster children, summer camp for blind teenagers, adaptive therapy equipment for severely handicapped children, two computers for a group supporting deaf teens, 400 items of clothing for at-risk infants and toddlers. Just hearing the stories of these workers who devote all of their time to these children.... it will break your heart. We worked so hard this year - sometimes pulling all-nighters on a big project, or missing one of our own kid's activities to get to a meeting - and it was so gratifying to see what became of those efforts.

It is selfish to say, but I feel just wonderful today thinking of putting a little goodness into each one of those children's lives. And I also feel a little guilty that I can't do more. It was also farewell to this year's officers and installation of next year's officers, which includes me! I am a little worried that I'll be overwhelmed by the job... we'll see. With Autie gone, I have time on my hands to devote to the club.

They also gave out our big annual award... and guess who got it? I can't believe they picked me.

Squid babies

2005-05-19T16:33:00.000-05:00

Will Your Kid Be a Navy Seal? Blackfive links this hilarious essay from a proud daddy of a future Frogman, Tony Woodlief.

Number Two has expressed a desire to be a Navy Seal for the last couple of years, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. It is my hope that at least one of the boys follows Autie and Pop into the military, and Number Two would definitely benefit from the structure and discipline of military service.

I love GI Jane

2005-05-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

US panel backs off ban on women in combat roles

Autie and I are going to totally disagree on this one! I think if they can carry the load, execute the mission, and meet the *same standards* the men do... then women should be allowed in combat roles. I know plenty of women who are bigger, stronger, and more physically capable than the majority of men. If they can do the job, let them.

As a society, we may not be "emotionally mature" enough to handle women and men serving together in combat. I love the chivalrious tradition of men protecting women, but it has no place in combat. Many recent military scandals further prove that the average GI is not ready for co-ed (Lindie England, anyone?). If everybody can't keep their pants on, it isn't going to work.

When african-americans began to be allowed to serve in the military, they had all-black units. When asian-americans wanted to serve during WWII, they had their own units in some cases.

How about an all-female infantry company? An all-female special forces team? Would it work? Maybe - maybe not. But it would be interesting...

"But Mom! I have cognitive limitations!!"

2005-05-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

Good grief!

Why Teens are Lousy at Chores
"Finally researchers have come up with a reason other than pure laziness for why teenagers can't shower and brush their teeth or unload the dishwasher and wipe down the counter. Blame it on 'cognitive limitations.' Their brains can't multitask as well as those of the taskmasters."

I didn't know researchers were surveiling my house! But seriously, my boys are fine with multi-tasking, it is the nit-picky analysis that drives me crazy: "But Mom! You said to put the dishes in the dishwasher. You didn't say anything about washing out the sink or wiping down the counter!"

Cognitive limitations?!? I'll give you some cognitive limitations, kiddo! :)

The J-Lo factor

2005-05-19T13:16:00.000-05:00

So I'm heating up my lunch in the breakroom, and looking at my rear end in the reflection off the snack machine glass. Is my butt bigger?

I figure since Autie left.... let's see:
- started working out at the end of October, so that is about 30 weeks of working out 4 or 5 days a week... and I do legs one day a week
- I do four sets of lunges (with weights!) 10-12-15-10 so that is 47 lunges each leg day

47 x 30 = 1,410
1,410 lunges. If he doesn't think my butt is bigger, I'm going to scream. It is so frustrating to put in so much effort and not be able to see the results!

Twisting statistics

2005-05-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

According to a research study by the North Carolina Child Advocacy Institute, "Children from military families are twice as likely to die from severe abuse as other children are".

What a load of crap.

You have to read carefully to find the truth:

"Overall, North Carolina had 378 abuse murders of children in this age group, for a annual rate of 2.2 deaths per 100,000 children. In Cumberland County -- home to Fort Bragg and Pope Air Force Base -- the abuse murder rate for children of military families was five deaths per 100,000 children, more than double the state average. The rate for children from non-military families living in Cumberland County was also higher than the state average. "

"In Onslow County -- home to Camp LeJeune/New River Air Station -- the annual abuse murder rate for children of military families was 4.9 per 100,000. The rate for non-military children in Onslow County was also higher than the state average."

So, I decided to check out the North Carolina Child Advocacy Institute (NCCAI) and see what they are all about...

These excerpts are from their mission statement:

"Special attention is devoted to helping those children whose futures predictably will be diminished by the circumstances of their young lives – unless well-intentioned, well-crafted and well-implemented public interventions occur."

"We believe that the quality of children’s lives largely is determined by a broad array of adults both those directly involved in their development and those whose influence is indirect, yet powerful."

Hmmm.... sounds like "It takes a village..."! I wonder how much effort the NCCAI has put into getting abused children OUT of North Carolina foster care and into healthy and suitable homes?

More information about what our soldiers and military families are doing for needy children:
Airmen Open Heart, Home to Children in Need
Soldiers Visit Orphanage Bearing Gifts, Medical Aid

Counting down the days...

2005-05-19T11:31:00.000-05:00

Autie has been notified of his R&R leave date - and how much notification do I get??? DAYS. Days - only days... I can barely contain myself. :D :D :D I will never have the house clean enough in time, but oh well! Something tells me he won't care. The boys are excited, too - but I can see the anxiety in their faces. It has been a long, long time since we've had Autie home for more than a couple of days... and they don't know what to feel.

Am I nervous? Yes - truth be told, I am. The *idea* of Autie being here thrills me, but the reality of having him actually home is a little scary. It has been a long, long time...