Too paranoid to be excited

I don't know what "normal" or "well-adjusted" military wives busy their minds with while they are waiting for their husbands to finally get home... but I'm going to crazy town over here. All I can think about is whether or not he will still find me attractive when he gets here. Isn't that the most shallow, vapid, and ridiculous thing imaginable?!?! I'm supposed to be pondering our deep love and how the separation has matured our relationship... not staring at my butt in the mirror, steeping myself in tanning lotion, and contemplating whether or not I have more/less crows feet around my eyes!!!

I am so terrified that he'll come home and take a good hard look at me and ask himself: "Is THIS what I really want to come home to?" And I really, really, really want him to say YES IT IS. I have missed him like crazy, and I have been so completely, thoroughly, and totally faithful and chaste... I feel like if he isn't as ecstatic about getting his hands on me as I am about getting my hands on him, that somehow I will be let down.

How in the world did women get through this without regular communication with their husbands? Even worse, way back when there was NO communication - when they didn't even know when/if the man would EVER come back?! It boggles my mind.

I want to be excited. I know I am supposed to be excited. But I am just afraid! I want things to be so nice - the house to be clean and cozy, the boys to be well behaved and receptive to him. I want it to peaceful and comfortable and welcoming. He has been through such an overwhelming amount of shit, such an uncomfortable, inconvenient, and annoying experience... and that is not even considering the IEDs, firefights, and snipers. What if he comes home to this rowdy house, this 30-something mother-woman, and says.... "Hmmm... I want something better."

Short-timer!

Well... I am a sucky blogger. LOL Either my life is too boring for this, or I just don't have time, or both.

We've made our way through football season, which saw innumerable fantastic plays by #1 and an enjoyable return to the sport by #2. Now we are into the beginning of wrestling season. #1 took a first place in a recent tournament. #2 is preparing for a Tae Kwon Do belt test, which I am sure he will ace.

#3 thinks about not much more than Daddy coming home these days. I told him back in early October that we had: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, then Daddy would come home! He has patiently watched the passing of the holidays with so much excitement. I know preschoolers are normally thrilled at the approach of Christmas, but he is over the top with anticipation. He talks about it every. single. day.!

Autie is definitely a short-timer, down to a measured number of days until he is off duty and preparing to travel. That ticker on the top of my page looks soooo long, but when you consider he was only home for three months prior to this deployment - after a year's absence for a stateside deployment - you can imagine just how precious this homecoming is to us.

Happy Holidays to all!

......deep cleansing breath........

OK. That's better!

The romance of a classical military marriage, MY ASS! This stuff is HARD.

We are OK. He is speaking to me, which is the equivalent of having oxygen to breathe again.... I am such a sap. We are inches from being debt free (except for mortgage and one auto) and baby steps away from being functional, budgeting, responsible adults. It feels great! But, ohhhhhh, the growing pains.

If I had known war would mature us/our relationship in this way, I'd have shipped him off years ago! (wink!)

Long-distance fighting

We are having lots of trouble.

It is my fault. I cannot manage money like any normal, capable adult. I feel like an absolute idiot. He is so so so so angry. And it isn't that I am shopping and spending... I just can't balance the accounts. I misjudge what I have, and overspend on bills or other things, like back to school expenses this time. Then checks bounce and bounce and I am in a huge hole again.

He said he would rather be there were people are trying to kill him than at home with me. He said I was a bad wife. I just want to lay down and die. (No - not literally. I'm not that stupid.) He said the boys don't miss him, don't care that he is gone... probably don't even remember what he looks like. They ask about him all the time, ask when he is going to call. The baby cries and cries for his Daddy whenever he is hurt or sick or just sad.

I don't know that I have ever been so completely and totally miserable in my whole life. I just want to cry all the time. I love him so much, and I just continue to screw up and screw up over and over and over. I feel so totally hopeless. :(

He hates me.

One Random Bullet

A sniper took a pot-shot at Autie while he was out and about this week again. I don't think I will even call him a "sniper"... he doesn't deserve that. Snipers wait out their targets, make the decision, and get the job done. They don't take a cheap shot, turn tail and run like this sorry-ass did.

I understand that Autie is in danger, that he could be injured or worse. But it drives me crazy thinking that it could be something like this. Some guy hiding beside the road, videotaping while he detonates the IED. Some bitter coward firing a random shot at troops on the street, then running. I hate it. There is no honor in the way they fight. Killing dozens of civilians and little children playing on the street to bomb a single humvee. No honor, whatsoever.

If something happened to Autie, I would want to know that he fought. That he was able to face his enemy and give them their due - he would want it to be that way. The random chance of it all is maddening...

Larium, Agent Orange, Gulf War Syndrome, and the Big Bad DoD

So did you watch Law & Order tonight? It was a fictionalized version of the Larium issue. Interesting episode.

We are a military family, and although I bitch and grouse about a lot of the struggles we have with the military, I love the way of life, the tradition. We don't fly a flag in front of the house, but we are true patriots who serve our country in the military. Every war since the Revolution. I will be truly proud when one or all of our sons serves.

I don't agree with the "big bad DoD" theory. But the idea of the cost of medication side effects vs. the threat of a fatal disease - yes, I can believe that might be true. And am I outraged??? No. It is cold, hard, brutal - and practical. And I can respect that. Do I think in this fictional example it was the 'right' decision... no, I really don't.

And this matters to us, more than you can imagine.

Daddy went to Vietnam three times - the old man Infantry platoon sergeant humping through the jungle in his 30's. He was exposed to agent orange for months. Is that why he has skin cancer? Yeah, probably. It is what it is...
But he's a lot more angry about the cost of gas than agent orange.

But it really hits home with #3. My precious baby - he is so very, very smart and such a happy loving little man. We hadn't planned on having a baby together, Autie and I. After Desert Storm, he saw all of the sensationalized news stories about children with devastating birth defects. And we both knew about Autie's sorry luck, LOL! So when we found out that I was pregnant with #3, we were surprised and worried.

And it happened. #3 has a syndrome that has been connected to Gulf War veterans. He has some health problems that are scary, but not too severe. And birth defects. He is so smart and so wonderful... Sometimes I cry at night, praying to Jesus that a beautiful girl will look past his appearance and love him like I love him. I see that he is beautiful... please Jesus, put a little girl out there that will see it, too.

Are #3's problems a result of Autie's Gulf War service? The shots? The depleted uranium he worked around? The chemical weapons they may/may not have been exposed to? We won't ever know. I do know that the VA did a medical study that found almost 4 times the number of occurances of this syndrome than would have normally been found... but since the condition was so rare, they said it was "statistically insignificant". And they only counted babies born in military hospitals, not anyone who delivered at a civilian hospital... or those born years after their daddies had left the military. We'll never know.

I would give anything for our baby to be healthy - to look like other babies. But do I blame the military? No... I can't. I honestly believe my government would never knowingly do anything that would hurt our children, but these things happen... little things add up and contribute to the end result, but I don't think there is any ill intent.

I'm just an Army wife. I just wait and pray and take it all as it comes. That is what military wives have been doing since the dawn of time. Blame and bitterness won't do any good. I am thankful for this life we have, thankful that Autie is able to do the job he was born to do. Good or bad, it is our destiny.

If you can't hear the fetus crying, do you think it isn't in pain?

Babies show signs of crying in the womb.

Newsflash: Scientific research into fetal development progresses almost to equal common sense!

Of course they cry! A medical research project has determined that an unborn infant at 28 weeks gestation can become startled, afraid, and cry. Not surprising, since infants born prematurely at 23 weeks and less have the ability to cry.

Why is this noteworthy? Because another group of medical researchers (and complete idiots) recently released a study claiming that the sensation of pain is not present in an unborn infant until after 29 weeks. Which is absolutely ridiculous to anyone with any common sense.

JAMA Editor Defends Publishing Fetal Pain Review Despite Criticism for Not Disclosing Author's Abortion-Related Work

I think that JAMA editor should be fired. Totally, totally unethical!

Let's think about some of the senses: eyesight, hearing, feeling. Which would one consider more or less evolved? Wouldn't eyesight and hearing be considered more evolved than the sensation of pain? And yet unborn infants react to bright light or sound within the womb. Common sense would dictate that the ability to sense pain would be present weeks before the ability to hear.

Why do medical researchers promote biased research in order to support the practice of killing unborn infants? How can a person who has taken an oath to protect the health of all persons endorse the mutilation and murder of a person who has not passed through the birth canal? Abortion is the vilest form of selfishness imaginable.

In all things, people should tell the TRUTH. Women seeking an abortion are ethically entitled to hear the whole truth. If they have been informed of the facts, and still choose abortion, then that is their moral burden to bear.

Dear Pregnant Woman:
You have asked for an abortion. A medical professional is prepared to remove the fetus from your body in the most hygenic and safe way possible. During this procedure, your unborn fetus will be dismembered, crushed, and finally dead. It will either be scraped and pulled or suction vacuumed from your womb. A fetus is a living thing that experiences fear and pain just like a living human. By the time you discovered you were pregnant and decided to have an abortion, your fetus already has all major organs, including a beating heart and a functioning brain.

Why do abortion rights advocates not want women to hear the truth?

Does not play well with others

Note to self: Autie is not a master of office politics.

He's a quick study, gets the job done, a master of schmooze with those old bad Haji's.... they love him! But he has zero tolerance for idiots, sloths, and general malingerers. This whole deployment has been one big lesson in how to deal with a-holes without beating their heads in. A lesson I know he needed, but jeez! It is tough on him.

Dear God,
Please walk with Autie and give him patience. And give the poor guy a break from that dumb Irish luck of his, will ya? And please send me a Roomba battery soon.
Thanks!

What office supply are you? LOL

I am: a bulldog clip This powerful steel gripper won't let papers get away from each other!

Which office supply are you?

I'm in love...

...with my ROOMBA! Robotic vacuum - praise Jesus! I'd like to give a big sloppy kiss to the engineer that pitched this idea. It makes me so happy to hear it working (especially when I am laying down watching crappy tv). After 18 months of bliss, the battery on my Roomba is caput. Just googled some replacements, and now I can't wait until payday! Woohoo! :D

See how easy I am to please??!?

Dear Santa:
All I want for Christmas is a Scooba... the automatic mopping robot to clean the tile floors. :)

Drama queen

Feeling compelled to follow up...
I've been fiddle-farting around with the blog for an hour or so, after my recent boo-hooing. Looking over this, anyone who read it must think I am a horribly morose individual. LOL! It seems I only take the time to post when I'm feeling particularly bad - as a result, it appears that I am *always* feeling particularly bad. Which is not true.

I feel better already (sort of). Autie is so close to coming home. Just a few more months, and I can make it through that easily. With the holidays this will pass so quickly...

"After all ... tomorrow is another day." --Scarlett

Gag. LOLOL

It's been 7 hours and 364 days...

~ ~ ~
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing...
I said nothing can take away these blues
Cause nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby... where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do
Well he's a fool
Cause nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~
All the flowers that you planted
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares...
Nothing compares to you
~ ~ ~

Thanks to http://ee.1asphost.com/PixelPassion/nothingcompares/
Just pulled up the site and let the song play over and over and over...
I couldn't sleep. Felt that black mood coming over me and couldn't understand why it was hitting me so very hard tonight. Got out of bed to check the email and such, and saw what day it was. I didn't realize...... one year today. One year. Autie has been gone 24 months so far, but it is one year since he walked out of this bedroom to leave for the long haul. We had some time before he had to report in, so we laid down together and he held the baby while he drifted off to sleep. Then we just laid together. I would give everything to have him laying here tonight. I miss you so much baby... it hurts. I am so lonely. Please come home to me...